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The things Keva is not allowed to do at the Foundation
The "Foundation", full known as the Dick Dekcer Alts Foundation is a place where all alternate accounts made by Decker are stored (dubbed DDAs). Keva works there, but has a tendency to cause a LOT of trouble. So here's a list of all the things she's NOT allowed to do. WARNING! This list is very long. The list itself. # Keva is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to Klakk. # Telling new researchers that you can tame DDA-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out. # No longer allowed to challenge Decker to unwinnable games like tic-tac-toe. It was three weeks before Decker conceded a draw. # DDA-018 is not to be taunted! # Giving 113 to Mediscout is just plain pointless. # Attempting to disprove 343, to 343, is a horrible idea. Agents are still studying the resulting paperweight, supposedly so heavy that 343 should not be able to lift it. # While it is true that "No one expects the Solekian Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing (yet). # Keva is not queen of anywhere. Or king. # DDA-963 is not to be used for recreational or procreational purposes. # Although it is entirely possible to use DDAs currently under control of the Foundation to create tentacle monsters, no. ## Not even if Joshi asks nicely. # There is no market for DDA brand pornography. ## No, not even in Germany. ## It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on █████, Jesus Christ girl. # Should not replace the ingredients in Kingy's tea with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or sexual lubricant. # Should not replace Mediscout's lamp with a "novelty" lamp shaped like a marital aid. ## Should not replace Mediscout's marital aids with a 'novelty' aid shaped like a lamp. # The Three Virtues Channel is not the correct agency for dealing with containment failures from horrible eldritch artifacts sold by Medi, Kingy, and KOgames. # Keva must never come in contact with anyone under the age of 18. Let her contact them. It's the only way they'll learn. Just because it is a learning experience, does not mean anyone needs to come in contact with Keva. # Any requests by Keva to utilize DDA-212 for enhancement are to be denied, due to several requests being submitted with the research goal stated as "to stick my privets in it and hope for the best." ## This includes requests to use it for enhancement of other organs. I don't care how awesome you think it would be, Keva. You should not be allowed to have telekinesis. # Victims of DDA-217 are not toys. # Keva is not allowed to bargain with personnel for their "souls" if they are unaware of DDA-158. # Don't let Keva get a sample of DDA-379. Let my laptop be the last victim. # Not allowed to go off my medication. ## Not allowed to pretend I have any medication to be on. # May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse. # Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. ## No matter how many times you say please, Keva, we won't put any of the masks you've been asking about into the dress code. ## Nor are you allowed to create and wear hats made using or out of various anomalous objects. We understand that your DDA-894 top hat collection has some tactical value, but that is not a valid reason to wear them in the presence of other researchers. # If a DDA file says never to do something, it is not because we want to control your mind. Yes it is. ## No, it's not, and Keva may not edit this document. # DDA-437 is not to be handed out as weaponry to unsuspecting new researchers. # REDACTED ON O5 REQUEST. Not even for recreational use. # Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of Solek. # Not allowed to lead a Mobile Task Force against the UIU under any circumstances. without inviting Onuvaak at all. In fact, just stay 500 feet away from any Mobile Task Force at all times. # Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". ## But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance. ## The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until she gets lessons for the foreseeable future. # Keva is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance Festival. ## Especially not with D-class in garb. # DDA-963 is not a joy buzzer. # If a mind-controlling DDA is discovered, it is to be turned over to the proper authorities. It is not to be used to advance herself or others higher in the Foundation. ## Taking said mind controlling DDA to a strip club or Vegas shall be right out. ## Keva is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, a member of Site Command, made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of DDA Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Keva IS a member of Site Command. It's usually best not to ask why. It's O5 Command you're thinking of.) # There is no Ethics Committee. ## And even if there was, does anyone believe Keva would be on it? ## As anything other than a 'What not to do?' # No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning calisthenics. ## Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song. # Keva is not allowed to apply DDA-963 to any major political figures. Again. # Keva is not from an alternate timeline (her father, however, is). ## Keva cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline". ## Or to "corrupt the timeline". ## Or to "screw with those history nerds". # Keva is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel, and then give them DDA-572. # Keva is not allowed near DDA-5555-J in any way or any excuse. Remember what the miniature version did to ██████. # Joshi and Keva are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator. ## Mediscout does not count as a responsible administrator. ## Nor does Kingy. ## Or Onuvaak. ## In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period. # Chainsaws are not the solution to every question. ## Nor is 'More Chainsaws'. ## Or "Chainsaw cannons" #### Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome. # DDA speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event should report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnesiac. # Keva is not allowed to use any DDA to alter or affect the outcomes of any reality based television shows, including but not limited to Survivor, Big Brother, Hell's Kitchen, American Idol, or any dating show on VH1. ## Not even if Joshi asks nicely. # REDACTED, REDACTED hard. # Keva is not allowed to administer spankings to Joshi as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken. ## No, it doesn't matter that they are both "consenting adults", no matter how much either of them argue otherwise. ## Joshi is not allowed to spank the monkey. ## Nor is he allowed to shock the monkey. ## Or anything else related to the monkey. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-███ to make 'kick me' signs. # DDA-082 is not to be given song requests, especially not "Like A Virgin". # "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment. # Keva is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 1,000 babies" in the presence of any DDA personnel. # Nothing in the Foundation is rated 'Over 9000.' # Stop posting classified information on 4-chan. # No using DDA-705 for personal gain. ## Or to plant monitoring equipment. ## And absolutely no giving them tons of extra Play-Doh 'just to see what they can make.' That Mecha was damned annoying! # If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right. # If it involves something right, you did it wrong. # If Keva has to ask, it's above her clearance level. ## If it's above Keva security clearance… run. # Keva is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person. # A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Keva is not allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, ██% of Foundation staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep them away. ## That is not a challenge! # Foundation credit cards or expense accounts are not to be used to purchase pornography. ## Not even anomalous pornography. # Keva is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to herself as such. Especially on official documents. # Keva is not the Lord of Rodly Might. ## And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and Dragons making use of DDAs to 'simulate the real danger.' # Keva is not allowed to go to fan conventions. ## Let alone use them as recruitment drives. ## Especially not at Furry Conventions. # When writing a report, more detail is expected than "Object class: Dank Maymay. Special Containment Procedures: EXPUNGED. Description: EXPUNGED." ## And inventing new security clearances just so nobody can see what you've written is also considered poor form. # Showing Monty Python episodes to DDA-239 was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping DDA. # "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision. # "My Tanmanian twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse. ## Nor is "My Solekian twin did it," considering the implications. # Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically become D-class personnel. # Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again. # Keva is not allowed to send e-mails with memetic hazards attached. ## Not even when replying to spam. # The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds to pit more than fifteen combative DDAs, including DDA-682 and Decker, against each other. ## "Weeding out some of these angsty teens with attitude problems," however, is. ## Keva is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs', nor an act called 'Surprise █████████'. # Not allowed to kick DDA-2558-J. ## Not allowed to play dodgeball with DDA-2558-J Not allowed to play any type of ball game with DDA-2558-J. # Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is straight out denied. # Instances of DDA-2558-J-Ex are not to be spooked when being held by members of O5. No instances of DDA-2558-J should be anywhere near an O5, let alone DDA-2558-J-Ex. # The Foundation motto is "Dick, Decker, Alts", not any of the following: ## "Stab Carrion Powerfully" ## "Suck Cock and Penis" ## "Let's use it on 682!" ## "Throw the cheese!" ## "That's it, you're on Maymay Duty." ## "Can we put it in 914?" ## "Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!" ## "Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!" ## "Someone is getting stabbed." ### But some days, it should be. ## "Whose hand is that?" ## "If all else fails, poop on it." ## "If all else fails, there's always the sun." ## "We need bigger kittens." ## "Society of Creepy Perverts." ## "Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got Medi, Joshi, Kingy and Keva." ## "Throw D-Class at it until it stops." ## "447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that taste great together." ## "The FBI are a bunch of pansies." ## "Who wants to see what I can make the president do in public?" ## "For the Horde!" ## "Science for the Science God!" ## "Make sure to wipe your feet on 2558!" ## "When in doubt, feed it to 682." ## "Slapstick, Clowns and Puns" ## "Drop the blanket now!" ## "Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy" ## "We always need more Dakka!" ## "Still Alive, and Found the Cake" ## "Don't Worry, O5 won't ever figure it out!" ## "Will it blend?" ## "Commies love us!" ## "Snap Crackle and Pop" ## "Sex, Cocaine and Powwahh!" # Keva is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath Chicken" with the medical staff. # A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue." # Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time." # Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status. # Despite her doctoral degree, Keva is not allowed to either prescribe or administer any of the following: ## enemas ## homeopathic remedies ## any sort of medication ## free hugs ## the healing power of laughter ## sexual healing ## 'more cowbell' # Keva is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem. ## Or "Get bigger guns." # Despite what she may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, the DDA Foundation has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Keva may say, she is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor." And we ask her to stop showing us her "charms". ## Nor is she a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting. ## And despite what the computer file on her may say, she is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without her. # The "Photok School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" is just a plain bad idea. # Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions. # If Keva is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, she must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm. ## If Keva is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, she is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay? # Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even DDAs, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them. # Keva is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard. ## Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service. # Keva cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt. ## I see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be associated with Star Trek. # No matter how many times she may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Keva is not a ninja, nor has she ever been. ## No. Not even if she uses DDA-281 to do it. # There are no security codes for: ## Zombie conga line ## Badass hat ## Vampire can-can ## Disco corpse ## Intense homoeroticism ## Hoo mama ## Necrophilia (I do NOT want to know!) ## Extreme crotch violence ## Man disguised as a palm tree ## Man with porn 'stache ## Kung fu rasta ## Puppy-eating monks ## Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers. ## Kestora Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze outside your door.) ## Joshi beach party. # Just because Keva is a doctor does not mean that she is the Doctor, no matter how many British women she possesses. ## No, DDA-963 is not proof against this. ## Nor is any structure that results from placing DDA-184 inside of a police call box. ## Adopting female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out. ## DDA-297 is NOT a sonic screwdriver. ## The Doctor who? # While humour can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mum" jokes in the vicinity of DDA-597. # Keva may not classify any researcher, including herself, as a memetic hazard. # Keva is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets: ## Your soul ## Anyone else's soul ## Virgin's blood ## Reproductive organs ## DDAs ## Memories (real or imagined) ## Pieces of your past I have no idea how that worked with Mediscout, but apparently she can do it. ## The island of Manhattan ## Beads ## Firstborn children ## Second-born children ## Red-headed stepchildren ## Rented mules ## Gold spun from straw ## A child's laughter ## A child's tears ## Virginity ## Anal virginity ## Aural Virginity ## Nasal Virginity (I do NOT want to know) ## Navel Virginity (What does this even MEAN?) ## Ponies ## Anyone's grandmother ## Anyone's grandfather ## Anyone's sister ## Any blood relative # No matter how many times she photoshops herself into a picture of DDA-682, and no matter how many Australians she possesses, Keva is not, and never was, the "Crocodile Hunter". ## Nor does every DDA/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum." ### And she is not allowed to do that "Right naow!" # As funny as Incident 387/682-██ was, Keva is not allowed unsupervised access to DDA-387. Researchers are still trying to figure out how an animate model of 682 was so invulnerable, despite only being made of just plastic blocks. # Keva is not allowed to tell new researchers experimenting on DDA-168 to divide by zero, find the square root of negative one, or find the last digit of pi using the DDA. Dr. ██████ is still comatose, and 168 itself is quite displeased with the event. # Keva is not allowed to use examples from Star Trek when administering Turing tests to artificial intelligences of any sort. Computer hardware does not grow on trees, dammit! # Keva is not allowed to plant DDA-2383-J into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking. ## No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE" ## Or even as "Science for the Science Goddess". Keva is also not allowed to refer to herself as such either. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-587 to re-enact the locker scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants. ## Nor is she allowed to set herself up as a goddess to them. ## Testing between DDA-786 and DDA-587 is also banned. "David and Goliath" scenarios are just as harmful to its inhabitants as the Godzilla incident. ## Keva is not allowed to use DDA-786 to simulate "Dwarf Fortress". # Keva is not allowed to show DDA-682 any of the following: ## any Uwe Boll movies ## The Room ## Troll 2 ## Manos: The Hands of Fate ## movies considered "so bad they're good" ## movies considered "cult classics" ## you know what, Keva is just not allowed to show DDA-682 any movies at all, ever. # Keva is not allowed to tell new researchers that typing "01100110011011110111001001101101011000010111010000 100000011000110011101001011100 0010000000101111010100010010111101011000" in a text file and renaming it "079.exe" will give them complete control over DDA-079. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-559 with one candle in order to EXPUNGED attempted breast-feeding incident. ## In fact, let's just amend that to 'Keva is not allowed to be breast-fed. Period'. # Keva is not allowed to claim DDA-014-J has "Breached Containment" and then leave a dining fork in the hallway. # Keva is not O5-█-J. No such position exists at this time. # Keva is not allowed to give DDA-239 a copy of any Harry Potter books. ## What did you do? # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-141 to give people parking tickets. # Keva is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions. # Keva is not allowed to accuse people of being duplicates of herself with the intention of having them terminated, unless they actually are duplicates of herself. ## Redis is not allowed to convince people Keva is a copy of him. # Keva may not put "A cup of orgasm" from DDA-294 through DDA-914 on the Very Fine setting. ## Keva may not use DDA-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television. ## Keva is not permitted to use DDA-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise. ## Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Keva is no longer allowed to use DDA-294 directly or outside of approved testing. ## Given that he asked another staff member to request a "Cup of Explodium" from DDA-294 to "see what would happen", Keva is not allowed to ask other staff members to access DDAs for her, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is DDA-963. # Keva is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off on, bets concerning XK-class End-of-the-World Scenarios. # Keva is no longer allowed access to DDA-732 infected documents along with DDA-239. MTF-Lambda-2 has been dispatched to contain "Chowdermediscout". # Keva is not allowed to organize, authorize, or create in any form, a "Foundation Demolition Derby, starring DDAs 2383-J, 708, 666-J, 2558-J, 1543-J, 2041-J, 2103-J, 968, 462, 115, and 225 for the grand finale" No.. just no. Not even if you try to throw in 682 trying to disguise it as a termination attempt. # Keva is not allowed to get on the PA system at site 19 and announce that she just won The Game. You know what, Keva is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever. # Keva is not allowed to request access to all cubical DDAs to make a fort of any kind. # Keva is not allowed to order anyone to infiltrate the women's locker room. # Keva is not allowed to play "hot potato" with DDA-963. # Keva is not allowed to arrange, schedule, advertise, promote, or sell tickets to, "cage matches" between Decker and DDA-682 any DDAs. # We don't care HOW many O5's agree to it and how many precedents there are, Keva is not allowed a pet DDA. # Keva is not allowed to combine a cadaver infected with DDA-008 with DDA-217. # Keva and Joshi are no longer allowed to engage in research any activity involving 40 gallonsmore than a pound any amount of superballs. ## Also, the aforementioned are not to convince blackmail compel D-Class personnel anybody into conducting such activities for them. # "Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything. # Keva is not allowed to lease out DDA-002, even especially if he includes the option to buy. # Keva is not allowed to dress up as Joseph Stalin and ambush Agent Strelnikov in the hallways. ## Actually, Keva shouldn't be allowed to dress up as any Communist leader, there's no way it could end well. # Keva is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu more than a day in advance six hours in advance at all, nor is she to get anyone else to access it for her, directly or indirectly. # Keva is not allowed to introduce small children to the "the Giving Tree." # Keva is not allowed to 'borrow' DDA-159 for her office. # Keva is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that happened she somehow managed to cause an earthquake in the east cost of the United States. Keva is not allowed to claim responsibility for earthquakes and other natural disasters unless she is actually responsible for them. # Keva is not allowed to dare new personnel anyone to play 'peek-a-boo' with either DDA-569 or DDA-173. # When ordering things online, send them to PO Box ████ and not directly to Site 19. We've already had three postmen show up at the front door. (How did they even find us?) Keva is not to give directions to Site 19 to non-Foundation personnel. # Keva is no longer allowed to give navigational directions to Site 19 anywhere, even especially to Foundation personnel. # The DDA Foundation does not have any such position as "Chief Defenestrator". ## Wrong. ### Joshi is not allowed to create new positions. # Any proposed containment procedure that includes the phrase "Giant Robot" is to be automatically rejected. # Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make Keva a Sith. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-914 to craft items from Team Fortress 2. ## Yes, a Medigun would be a useful tool for the Foundation medical staff. No, we are not going to waste any more DDA-500 attempting to make one, especially not after DDA-427. ## Keva is not allowed to use DDA-914 to craft items from Minecraft, either. Also, your "Diamond Pickaxe" has been confiscated. # Keva is not allowed to tell future hosts that "You are about to become a Keva diva". ## And she can't tell anyone that "Possession is nine-tenths of the law". ## Keva is not allowed to refer to D-class personnel as "extra lives". # Keva is not allowed to send DDA-1004 over an email message. # No matter the electricity savings, no product of DDA-158 is to be used for illumination. # Keva possesses the ability of consciousness transfer and the artifact DDA-963. She does not possess any of the following: ## "laser" eyes. ## "laser" nostrils. ## "laser" REDACTED. ## a Green Red ANY Lantern Ring. ## an "adamantium" skeleton. ## Anduril. ## Mjolnir. ## a map leading to "ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD". ## the "Ancient" medallion. ## a copy of the Necronomicon. ### A King James version of the Necronomicon. ## cybernetic implants of any kind. ## the "Dragonzord". I don't care how you did it, put it BACK. ## the 7th Element of Harmony. ## infallible "gaydar". ## infallible "jewdar". ## the touch. ## the power. ## the "secret" ## telepathy. ## telekinesis. ## the original filming model of any fictional spacecraft. ## 1337 H4x00r sKi11z. ## the 6th sense. ## The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. # If Keva's current form is sighted near an armory without express permission, initiate Evacuation Procedure ███-██. # Keva is not allowed to test DDA-826 with her self-authored comic book entitled "Keva and the 79 Virgins" Playboy magazines anything. # #%^&@Keva iz a genius! Second best only to meh! she & I are buds lolz!#$%^ ## Keva is not allowed to give DDA-732 access to this document. ### Keva is not allowed to give any DDA access to this document without O5 approval. # Keva is not allowed to tell new D-Class personnel that DDA-439 has escaped into the barracks. # Keva is not allowed to convince other personnel that they are actually Tanmanians. # Keva is not allowed to challenge DDA-082 to a drinking contest. (Even if she's positive she can win.) # We have never had a Jamaican Vacation Giveaway, Keva is not in charge of it, and DDA-342 is not the official Foundation Travel Voucher. # Keva is not allowed access to DDA-243 except under strict supervision. I think we all remember the great marital-aid migration of 2011. # Keva is not allowed to challenge Mediscout to a race involving any sort of vehicle. Keva is not allowed to challenge Mediscout to a race involving anything. # Keva is not allowed to access the IT department hotline access the IT department databaseaccess any networking equipment belonging to the IT department. # Keva is not to bring samples of DDA-1361 to Foundation potlucks, barbeques, or charity food drives. # DDA-963 is not a 'soul gem', and making a contract with Keva will not turn you into a 'magical girl'. ## Not even if she includes a 'magical girl outfit'. # DDA-137 is never to be used on sex toys. ## Under no circumstances is Keva allowed to expose DDA-137 to Warhammer 40K minifigures. Again. Not even in an attempt to terminate DDA-682. ## Or anything made by Wondertainment. # Not allowed to have Decker get into arguments with forum trolls. # Keva is not allowed to go trick-or-treating, ever. # Decker is not Kratos. # Keva is no longer allowed to produce, create or remind staff of "DDA Robot Wars". # Copies of DDA-1981 are not to be submitted to "America's Funniest Home Videos". ## Or posted on YouTube. ## Or on YouPorn. ## Or to Tosh.0. # Keva is not allowed to "Just Say No!" to O5 orders on the grounds that they are instances of DDA-5200-J. # Keva is also not allowed to refer to O5 Command MTF commanders the Janitor any Foundation personnel as "the cool kids". # Keva is not the "final boss" of anything. # Keva has not "won the internet" and is not authorized to declare that any other individual has done so. ## Nor is she allowed to claim or distribute instances of DDA-335 under said premise. # Keva is not to show junior staffers her 'cutie mark'. ## Keva is not allowed to use DDA-137 on any Hasbro product. # Keba is not allowed to "take DDA-1187 for a morning ride". # Keva is not allowed to submit any incident reports to the Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win. # Keva is not allowed to teach DDA-1370 to play multiplayer video games. It was not an improvement giving it the vocabulary of the average preteen ████ player, or introducing it to the concept of "teabagging." # The eye-pods do not need hats, bow ties or any other form of clothing. # Keva is not allowed to use expunged data in DDA reports as "mad-libs." # Keva is not allowed to create an anatomically-correct body pillow modeled after DDA-173, DDA-DDA, DDA-999-J, DDA-076-02, or Kingy. # The following are not appropriate sources for D-class personnel: ## Temp agencies. ## Craigslist. ## Reality show talent pools. ## Jerry Springer tapings. ## "Orphans." ## "Urchins." ## "Ragamuffins." ## "Those sons of bitches who scratched up my paint job at the car wash." ## Ex-girlfriends. ## Ex-boyfriends. ## Ex-partners of any gender variation whatsoever. ## Staff members' in-laws. ## Youtube comment threads. ## Forum trolls. ## Angsty teens. ## Bad applications to the DDA Foundation. Two exceptions have been made, but the rest are off limits. ## Occupy Wall Street. ## The Tea Party. ## The Green Party. ## The "Green" Party. ## The Gathering of the Juggalos. ### How the fuck do they work? # The following items are not DDAs: ## Rainbows. ## Double rainbows. ## "Rainbooms", whether sonic or otherwise. ## The tides. ## The Moon. ## "Fucking magnets". ## Rocks that skip three times before they go underwater. ## Soy cheese. ## Hippies. ## Hipsters. ## "MILFs." ## "G-MILFs." ## "GG-MILFs." ## "Actually funny SNL skits" As these do not exist, they cannot be DDAs. ## Anyone's breasts. ## People who can solve Rubik's Cubes (of any size). ## Shiny Any Pokemon. # Nobody ever refers to Keva as "Tina" and she is no longer allowed to introduce new personnel to DDA-524. # The platypus is not an DDA. No, really. No, not even an -EX. # Keva is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites using Class-D personal. # DDA-963 is not a "Millennium" item. # Keva should refrain from trying to convince DDA-237 to become a "Brony". ## Not even to improve his disposition. ## For that matter, trying to make DDA-042 a Brony will just make things worse. # Putting an equine, no matter how small, through DDA-914 on very fine again is strictly forbidden. ## No you cannot keep it. # The answer to a containment breach is never to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude". ## Or to "send five rings to five special young people". ## Or to ask junior staffers if they are "bad enough dudes" to contain the breach. # Keva is not allowed to claim she "has been trained to conquer galaxies". # Keva may not attempt to neutralize DDA-682 using "the Power of Friendship", "the Power of Love", or any other sort of "Power" which has not been proven to actually exist. # Keva does not remind anyone of "the babe with the power of voodoo", and is not allowed to tell anyone else that they remind her of same. # The Chaos Insurgency has no interest in "summoning Daemons to the material universe to serve the Ruinous Powers of Chaos" and therefore, Keva is not permitted to inform new researchers otherwise. # Keva is not allowed to write a DDA-582 account in order to deal with junior staff members who get on her nerves. # Keva is not allowed to stick refrigerator magnets to Foundation equipment DDA-914 DDA-882 DDA-217 victims piece of the Broken God Any magnetic objects within Foundation control. # DDA-1916 only works if administered orally. We know this. There is no reason to test further, Keva. # The Realdoll™ Keva purchased does not have security clearance for anything. ## Not even if it writes reports better than Decker. # "Why not?" is not considered authorization for DDA cross-testing. # The foundation has no Mobile Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls. ## Keva is not allowed to found a new Mobile Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls. # The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for masturbation. # "Yo mama" is not "so ugly DDA-096 didn't look at her." # DDA-173 is not a babysitter. Having DDA-173 play 'Where's the baby?' is downright cruel. Not, as Keva claims, 'EXPLETIVE hilarious.' # Keva is no longer invited to the Annual Foundation Holiday Party. ## Keva is not allowed to host her own Foundation Holiday Party. ## The Foundation Holiday Party is cancelled indefinitely. # DDA-682 does not have a Wondertainment logo stamped on its upper palate. ## or on its posterior. # Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of DDA-008 victims is expressly forbidden. ## Letting out DDA-008 victims and punching them "to simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden. ## Pushing several agents in front of DDA-008 victims "to simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either. ## Keva is no longer allowed near victims of DDA-008. # DDA-682 will not be sated by the ritual sacrifice of a virgin. # Filming, directing, or performing in celebrity sex tapes are not appropriate work assignments for Joshi. # Anything involving the words "elephant sauce". Site 19 is still recovering from the last incident. # "I like a little junk in the trunk" is not valid authorization to feed DDA-1575-1 to an elephant. # Keva is, under no circumstances, to attempt possession of DDA-682. # "I touched DDA-1453 a lil' while ago" is not a valid excuse for any containment breach. # "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" does not imply that pants and undergarments are not required parts of the dress code. ## Doubly so, since, "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," is not a part of any official foundation dress code. # Keva is not to use this list as a resume. # Keva shalt not may not begin his sentences with "Thou shalt not", even especially in the presence of DDA-343. # Use of double triple quadruple ANY number of negatives to obtain security clearances will result in the repetition of kindergarten swift punishment. # Keva is not allowed to recreate any experiment seen on the television program "Mythbusters" using any DDA. ## Especially not if she "can do it better." # Regardless of whether or not it exists, Keva certainly does not enjoy diplomatic immunity as the local Consul of the Islamic Republic of Eastern Samothrace. # Keva is not allowed to administer aphrodisiacs to colleagues anyone under the guise of administering amnesiacs any medicine by any means or for any reason whatsoever. # Keva is not allowed to put DDA-278 into DDA-914 on coarse "so I can learn to make more of them." # Keva is not allowed to transfer copy upgrade relocate DDA-079 onto ANY form of high capacity data storage device. # DDA-1156 is not Keva's "royal steed". # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-1543-J to launch DDA-727-J into itself. Again. # Even if Keva is wearing an eyepatch, she is not allowed to "Keel-Haul" anyone. ## Not even on "Talk Like a Pirate Day". ## Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be celebrated at Site ██. Any personnel violating this rule will walk the plank be severely disciplined. ## There is no such thing as "Talk Like a Ninja" day, and Keva is not allowed to create it. # Introducing DDA-682 to DDA-002 "just to see what will happen" is NOT recommended. Don't even think about. ## I SAID STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! # Keva is no longer allowed to interview new personnel. ## Even Especially not if they ask for her. # Keva is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Keva) to stop referring to her/self as such. # Keva is not allowed to play "DDA Roulette" with DDA-173, a light switch and any combination of D-class and new personnel. # Keva is not to ask DDA-738, "What would you want in exchange for not making this deal with me?" # Keva works for the DDA Foundation, not the Terminus Foundation. She does not possess a degree in psychohistory. ## And no Group of Interest is the "Second Foundation" # Although "Dick Decker Alts" is an anagram of "At Clerked Dicks", Keva is specifically forbidden to either produce, or arrange to produce, any such material. # The fact that DDA-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an "infinite hamburgers machine". ## Most especially because they tasted horrible. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-127 to place projectiles under his pillow for the "Tooth Fairy" to give him money. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-252-ARC on Hydromecha any member of the Mecha family any person or organization affiliated with Church of Solek. ## Keva is not allowed to attempt to "sic the Horizon Initiative" on the above religious organization. ## Keva may not request a pool of D-Class recruited solely from members of the above religious organization. # The Manna Charitable Foundation does not host an annual Labor Day Telethon, and Keva is not allowed to offer the services of Foundation employees as performers or phone bank operators for such. # Keva is not allowed access to Popular Science Magazine. That How 2.0 section is way too dangerous for Keva to see now that they've shown how to create cyborg cockroaches. # Keva is not allowed to "go on crusade". ## Or on "jihad". ## Keva is not permitted to issue fatwas against anyone or anything. # Keva is no longer allowed to declare "After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" upon assuming a new host. # All Foundation personnel are now required to attend a seminar on the difference between an original idea and a good idea before being allowed new or continuing contact with Keva, Joshi, or Weraptor. # Keva does not have ten tons of gold hidden somewhere at Site 19. # DDA-963 is not to be given away as a "good luck charm". # Keva is not a witch, no matter what she might tell you. ## She is not an alchemist either, and is not to be consulted regarding alchemical issues. ## Or a wizard. ## Keva is not magic and cannot perform magic, and must give sufficient explanation for any actions she undertakes. # Keva is not, nor has she ever been, the "Undisputed DDA Intercontinental Champion". # Keva is no longer allowed to run through Site 19 any site while screaming "THE MAYMAY IS LOOSE" unless it's an actual emergency. ## Claiming it's for research on the effects of social engineering is not an emergency. ## Nor is using it to clear out the areas Keva is otherwise restricted from entering due to reasons given on this list. ## Keva may not start referring to any persons or DDAs as "The Maymay" in order to circumvent these rules, unless they are actually classified as Keter. # Keva is not allowed to perform any tests or experiments utilizing the reproductive organs of any dead or living being, including herself. # Keva may not tell D-Class Personnel newly recruited staff anyone that DDA-920 will show them to their quarters. Again. We are still looking for 12 D-class Personnel who have disappeared in the Pyrenees. # Keva may never attempt to ingest DDA-184 "to win a pie eating contest", nor any other kind of eating or drinking contest. # After what happened last month, Keva is not allowed to watch Firefly ever again. I think most of the people involved (that are still alive) are still in the psychiatric ward. ## Keva is not a Reaver and may not handle any form of sharp tool unless under protection of at least two (2) L-3 guards armed with stun guns. # Keva is not allowed to show D-Class new staff DDA-682 anyone the stuff she watches. Seriously, the last guy to go through that hell had to be put in a straightjacket! # Keva is not allowed to come within 5 meters of any explosive device or detonation device. Remember what happened at Area-█. ## Not even if Joshi asks nicely ## Trying to "Blow Up 682" is not a valid excuse. # Attempting to make "shadow puppets" with DDA-017 is forbidden. ## Trying to entertain DDA-053 is not a valid excuse. # Keva is not permitted to be within thirty feet of children, "kids", "youngsters", "kiddies", "lads", "lasses", "bundles of joy", "bundles of fun", or "scoops of love" after the incident at REDACTED. Exceptions may be made in extreme cases of emergency. # Keva is no longer allowed to stand in a corner and twiddle her thumbs. # Keva is no longer allowed to use the words "swag" , "swag it", "swagginator", "swaggify", or "super swag" to define herself or any other person(s). # 'YOLO' is not an excuse for anything. Most especially because it does not apply to her. ## Neither is 'Why not?'. # Keva is not allowed to order D-class personnel convince new personnel any personnel ask anybody ever to play a game of patty-cake with DDA-049. # Keva is not allowed to ask Hydromecha to do any of the things on this list. # Keva is not allowed to bring chocolate into a restroom Keva is not allowed to bring food into a restroom. # Keva is not allowed to speak in a voice resembling a movie character. ## Keva is not allowed to reenact any movie. Even G-rated ones? Even G-rated ones. # Keva is not allowed to learn cheerleader routines dress like a cheerleader do ANYTHING relating to the sport of cheerleading. # DDA-957 is NOT a prerequisite to becoming possessed by Keva. # Keva is not allowed access to DDA-1197 for the purpose of corroborating with herself. ## Keva is not allowed access to DDA-1197 for the purpose of propositioning herself. # As of 9/26/20██, Keva is not allowed access to any hotel for any reason. Site-██ budget does not allow for extra clean-up fees, especially not as a result of Keva's actions. # Keva is no longer allowed to say "Everything the light touches is our kingdom" ## Nor is Keva is allowed to say "Everything touched by the holy Light belongs to Church of Solek." # Keva may not attempt to digitally enhance any of the original Star Wars movies. # Keva is not allowed to advertise herself on online dating services. # Keva is not allowed to use this list as a to-do list. # Keva is not L. Ron Hubbard incarnate, and is not allowed to tell personnel otherwise. # Keva is not Sherlock Holmes and is not allowed to say what she thinks a person's appearance means about them to any reality bending DDA. ## Keva is not allowed to cause a containment breach of any kind just so she can have a "case." ## Neither is she allowed to convince anyone to be Watson. # Keva may not urge bereaved staff members to "look at the bright side". ## Nor is she allowed to refer to any name-related puns as "Being a fashion Keva". ## Keva is not allowed to refer to any DDAs, Foundation resources, or personnel as her "fancy dancing pants". # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-1994-J with Medic Mark. Hours of actual productive research are as of yet to be recovered. # Keva is no longer allowed to play chicken with members of any department. # Keva is not allowed to order 'the works' from the cafeteria. ## Keva is also not allowed to put anything on her 'tab.' # Keva is no longer allowed to commit "Seppuku." ## Even if she has an audience. ## Especially a captive one. # Keva is not in possession of any of the following: A Keva-mobile, Kevarangs, a Kevat-claw, a Keva-suit, or a baseball-Keva. ## Keva is not allowed to yell "To the Kava!". # Keva is no longer allowed to sing "Silent Night" following the "All is Keva" incident # Keva is no longer allowed to commission, produce, advertise, or display animated videos to containment staff anyone with the subject, "What Happens When You Fuck Up Containing DDA (insert DDA here)" ## NO, it is NOT educational, Keva. Not the way you show it. # Keva is not allowed funding to replicate the experiments of Doctor Krieger from Archer. # Keva is not allowed to try to convince personnel to replicate "her famous high dive into DDA-120." ## She is not allowed to talk about her "famous high dive into DDA-120." # Keva is not to be referred to as "Rainbow Keva". # Keva is not allowed access to infants for the purpose of becoming "the Baby New Year". # Keva is not allowed to create a "The Things Keva Is Allowed To Do At The Foundation" list by listing everything that isn't on this list. Just because it isn't on this list doesn't mean you should do it. ## She may however request for one to be created. ## She may not, however, suggest what should be on said list. # Keva is not to attempt to neutralize DDA-1013 just because she "can do Fluttershy's stare." # Keva must not create an infinite logical loop to less feeble minded individuals. # Keva is not "Troll Soluk", no matter how much candy corn she steals! # There is no such department known as "The Keva Ideas Department." Furthermore, if such a department did exist, Keva would not be in the employ of this department. # Keva is not allowed to throw herself through a window "to prove that the glass is unbreakable." for any reason whatsoever. # Keva is not allowed to convince D-Class anybody to cough in front of DDA-049 # Keva is not to request "Nazi Juice", "Dildo Gelato", or "My Childhood" from DDA-294. # Keva is not allowed to use any green dyes for the purpose of "being creative". # "Because reasons" will no longer be accepted as a viable excuse for removing ANY DDA from containment. # Keva may not refer to anyone as a "Mesokian." # Keva is not allowed to attempt to convince D-Class new personnel ANYONE that shouting "Bing bong, bring it on!" while ringing DDA-513 will negate its effect. # Keva is not allowed to arrange gladiatorial arena combat between D-class, even ESPECIALLY if any DDAs are used as weapons. # DDA-173 does not "just want a hug" and Keva may not attempt to convince anyone otherwise. # "Because there's an alternate universe me who wouldn't do it" is no longer a valid reason for violating containment procedures. # Keva is not allowed to attack instances of DDA-217 claiming that "the Borg have attacked". # Keva is not allowed access to visual or audio recordings of the dance craze dubbed the "Harlem Shake" anything deemed "viral". # Keva is not allowed to start any drag races between D-classes in cars and DDA-096. # Keva is not allowed to yell out "Immigration!" near any foreign personnel. # Keva is not allowed to reenact any scene from "Pulp Fiction". # Not allowed to put a picture of a volunteer's her ANYBODY'S breasts on a monitor for the red zone of DDA-895. # Keva is not allowed to convince new personnel ANYONE to "have a friendly staring contest with DDA-096." # Keva is not allowed to open DDA-1025 on random pages in front of anyone. # Keva is not allowed to dare anyone to finish DDA-1997. # Keva is not allowed to send a Slinky down DDA-087. # Keva is not an instance of DDA-1000, and is not allowed to claim otherwise. ## Especially not when using the body of a primate. # Keva is not allowed to use DDA-884 for shaving purposes. ## Nor any other personal care purpose. ## Nor for any non-approved purpose whatsoever. ## Especially not for the purpose of making people doubt that she's not allowed to use it. # Keva is not allowed to claim that Researcher Alteron is the new "Master of Butterflies" due to his extensive work on butterfly-related DDA items. ## "King of the Booterflies" is not an inheritable title. No, not even if Kingy really is dead, which, if true, Keva isn't cleared to know. ## Researcher Alteron is also not to be referred to by Keva as "King of the Butterflies", "Master of the Butterflies", "Supreme Prince of the Butterflies", "Great Shepherd of the Butterflies", "Second Cousin of the Butterflies", or "Major Associate of the Butterflies," or any other grandiose title referring to butterflies. # Keva is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits fictional horror stories involving her family. # Keva is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits factual horror stories involving her family. # She is definitely not allowed to edit the list just to mess with people on Tumblr. # Keva is no longer allowed to open portals to alternate dimensions. 1. That's Redis' job. He knows which portals to open and which to keep closed. Trivia This list is based on The Things Dr. Bright is Not Allowed to do at The Foundation.